leading to death have been rampant in
our community. Sixty seven per cent of
all victims of sexual assault reported to
the police were children under the age
of 18. Some 34 per cent are under the
age of 12 and one out of every seven
victims is under the age of six. Child
sexual abuse is something we all have to
be concerned about. So how can we
recognise signs that our child may have
been a victim of sex abuse?
We can prevent it by cautioning our
children from taking 'things' from
strangers and to be extra careful while
in strange environment. It is also about
being watchful in our homes. As a
matter of fact, assaults by strangers
account for just 13 per cent of
molestations in children under the age
of six and just 15 per cent in children
aged six to 11.
One of the major patterns to stem this
is winning the trust of our children.
Ironically, children are abused by adults
that our children know and trust. And
such abuse often occurs right under our
nose in our homes.
Some of the criminals, crooks and
delinquents are not only 'dirty old men'
but strangers lurking in backstreets.
More often, they are known and trusted
by us and our children and oftentimes,
they are members of our family. They
can even be the neighbour that the
children stay with while we step out.
They may even be close family friends,
house helps, male or female.
There is therefore a need for parents to
be vigilant. We should strike a balance
between protecting our children and
encouraging growth and trust.
Early intervention and taking steps to
prevent abuse before it actually happens
should be our watchword. One of the
best ways is consistently discussing the
topic with our children. By this, it is easy
for these children to take steps to
prevent abuse before it actually
happens. Also important is for children
to understand what sexual abuse is and
not.
I have discovered that many children at
whatever age understand easily when
parents use the concept of "good
touch," "bad touch," and "secret touch."
There are 'good' touches – like a hug, or
a pat on the back or a kiss on the
forehead from uncles or daddy's friends
or mummy's friends. And there are 'bad'
touches – like when somebody hits you
or pushes you. And there are 'secret'
touches. Then, make sure the child
knows that if anybody wants to give
them a "secret" touch, they should say
"no" and tell mummy or daddy right
away. Parents can explain the most
secret places in the body to these
children.
You can tell them that any area where
one has to cover every time is their
private parts and this is the area they
should not allow other people to touch.
Parents can even use the 'bathing suit
comparison' to further help their
children define "secret touch" areas. As
the child gets older, more age-
appropriate details can be added and
parents need to have this talk with their
children frequently. Make it part of
family conversation. When your child
comes home from school, ask them to
tell you about the 'good' touches they
had that day; then ask them about any
'bad' touches. Finally ask if anyone tried
to have a secret touch. If your child gets
used to hearing these terms, they will
feel more comfortable sharing
information with you on any subject.
In addition, please kindly get used to
your children's behavioural pattern;
know what is his or her "normal"
behaviour as this will help you to
immediately recognise when anything is
happening or something has gone
wrong. Basically, if a child's behaviour
changes significantly in a way that does
not fit with normal development, aside
checking out whether the child is sick,
the most important thing to consider is
sexual abuse or other traumatic
experiences. Please do not beat them
up and conclude they are mischievous,
wayward, wicked, bad or disobedient.
These children are individuals with
feelings; listen to their feelings. If you
notice the child becomes uncomfortable
every time he has to spend time with
Uncle so so and so or refuses to go to
grandma's house or insists you have to
take him to school instead of the house
girl, please listen to the heart of the
child. He or she may be trying to pass a
message across.
At the same time, parents should not
jump to conclusion prematurely by a
single observation. What you really need
to do is look toward a pattern of events
and situations that seem to tell a story.
While young kids will often just blurt out
scenarios, older children are often very
protective of their abuser and may be
less forthcoming. So, sometimes they
may be reluctant, particularly because
they are mostly fully aware of the
impact, humiliation, gossips and shame
involved.
Parents have to be familiar with some of
the common signs of abuse. These are
actually warning signs of trouble such as
a sudden desire to touch their bodies or
the bodies of other children or even
adults, to want their parents to touch
them. This is often done in an attempt
to "normalise" the behaviour they have
experienced with their abusers.
Sometimes it can be a sign that such a
child has been exposed to pornography.
It might sometimes be a sudden or
rapid onset of fears, the fear of being
around a certain person, or fears about
attending a regular activity they
normally looked forward to before. A
strong preference not to be around, go
with, or be left in the care of a particular
person should concern their parents.
Some other times, it might just be a
sudden change in personality and this
can be very obvious. The most common
signs of abuse are physical; so be on the
lookout for an unusual discharge from
the vagina, penis, rectal or genitals,
bleeding, anal tears or dilation, bruises,
scars, or bite marks in the genital area.
Questions and Answers
Is it possible to urinate during sex?
Yes, you may feel the need to urinate
because the penis has a way of poking
the bladder. To prevent this, go to the
bathroom right before sex; that will
ease your mind about feeling like you
have to pee in the middle of
lovemaking. The other thing you should
do [because it will help strengthen
muscles down there and give you
deeper orgasms] is Kegel exercise. You
can do this anywhere while sitting at
your desk or waiting in line. To do
Kegels, isolate the muscle that controls
the flow of urine, contract it, count to
10, then release. Start with a hundred
of these a day, and build up to about
300.
Another possibility is that you are
experiencing "female ejaculation" during
sex. This happens when your husband
hits your G-spot (a small gland on the
upper wall of the vagina that feels
spongy). This is good, because it will
give you more intense orgasms. But for
some women, stimulating the G-spot
causes a clear fluid — females ejaculate
— to be expelled from the Skene's
gland, also known as the urethral
sponge. This can happen right before or
during an orgasm. It's not urine, but
since it's a fluid from the same vicinity,
it's often mistaken for it.
I can't keep an erection with condom
When having sex, I'll have a healthy
erection and after some time, my
erection gets weaker when using a
condom. If I take the condom off, I'm
able to regain a strong erection again.
What is causing this and what can I do
to fix this problem? I want to be able to
please my wife as well as prevent
pregnancy.
Try a different brand of condom. Some
are thicker and less sensitive than
others. Have a condom on during
foreplay and get used to it. If you are
losing your erection, just relax and allow
your partner to help you out. It will
most likely come back.
There is nothing physically wrong with
you or your condom use. This may just
be psychological. With a caring and
understanding wife, your sexual exploits
can last longer and actually be more
interesting by repeatedly getting and
losing an erection. Besides, there are
many more ways to please your wife
than with your penis. Have you tried a
blow-job on her recently? Have you
taken time to ask her to tell you her
trigger points or spent enough time with
those spots? If not, please do so and get
back to me.
What does safe sex really mean; is it
attainable?
Ideally, safe sex means only having sex
with someone who is not involved with
other sex partners and who is not
involved with hard drugs and who you're
absolutely, positively, 100 per cent sure
has not had sex with anyone else
before or in years.
In reality, although it may seem difficult
to discover such individual or maintain
such a relationship, it is absolutely
possible. Safe sex means not having
sex until you trust a person as a life
partner and eventually getting married.
Even better: if you intend getting
married to anyone, it is good not to
have sex until you and your partner are
tested for every other forms of STDs
and AIDS. And don't have the AIDS test
until you've been dating for a long time
(because recent research has shown it
can take years for the AIDS antibodies
to show up). In the meantime, be as
focused as you can and concentrate
more on worthwhile ventures that will
increase your life productivity level.
Note that sexual need is not like water,
food or air.
Actually it should be treated as an
opportunity to experiment and have fun
rather than as a hindrance to sexual
expression, delaying intercourse can be
very exciting.
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